Perhaps a spouse has grown distant and conversations feel forced. Or maybe there is less affection and quality time. Anyone that is concerned about the state of their marriage may worry that their spouse is contemplating divorce. Psychologists have found that those in this situation can often look to one key predictor for an answer: quality of communication.
Although not a sure-fire way to get a peak into your spouse’s thought process, psychology experts note that couples who have poor communication are more likely to get a divorce than those who are able to talk through their conflicts.
More on the findings
When communication breaks down, misunderstandings and resentment can build, leading to emotional distance and dissatisfaction. Research finds that couples who struggle to express their thoughts and feelings openly, or who engage in negative communication patterns such as criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, are at a higher risk of divorce. These communication issues can erode trust and connection, making it difficult for partners to navigate challenges together. Consequently, improving communication skills is often a focus in marriage counseling and therapy, as it can significantly enhance relationship satisfaction and stability.
The impact of stonewalling
One of the most significant communication issues is stonewalling, which can be a major predictor of divorce. According to John Gottman, world renowned psychologist for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, stonewalling, or emotionally withdrawing during an argument is a major predictor of divorce. When one partner disengages, it leaves the other feeling isolated and frustrated. Recognizing and addressing stonewalling can prevent further damage to the relationship.
To improve communication and potentially save a marriage, consider these strategies:
- Stick to one topic at a time: Avoid overwhelming your partner with multiple issues. Focus on one topic to prevent retreat and encourage constructive dialogue.
- Be aware of physical reactions: Recognize signs like increased heart rate or turning away. Discuss these reactions with your partner to identify stonewalling triggers.
- Give your partner the benefit of the doubt: Communicate openly about changes you wish to see. Trust your partner’s ability to listen and respond positively.
- Self-soothe during emotional moments: Manage emotions by taking deep breaths or engaging in calming activities. Avoid reacting impulsively during heated discussions.
- Avoid arguing when exhausted: Choose a convenient time for discussions. Create a safe space for sharing feelings to prevent stonewalling.
Implementing these strategies can improve communication and reduce the likelihood of stonewalling. Addressing these issues is vital for the health of the marriage and the well-being of children involved.
Working on communication during divorce for the sake of the children
If divorce becomes inevitable, it is wise for parents to work towards effective communication. Even after divorce, the parental relationship continues, and it is essential to prioritize the children’s needs. It can help to establish clear communication channels, making use of tools like shared calendars or apps to coordinate schedules and responsibilities. It also helps to focus on the children’s well-being. Keep discussions child-centered. Avoid involving children in conflicts or using them as messengers.
While divorce marks the end of a marriage, it does not end the parental responsibilities. By focusing on effective communication, both during and after divorce, parents can increase the odds of a positive environment for their children. Recognizing and addressing communication issues like stonewalling can pave the way for healthier relationships and a smoother transition for everyone involved.